My story: caution when reading

Testimony time. 

It's always a huge blessing to talk about my story. BUT it's also a very emotional thing. Each and every day, God makes it super clear why He rescued me from everything I used to live in. While He has healed each and every wound, they aren't crazy easy to pry open; sometimes it feels like I'm pouring salt into them. Either way, God is good (AMEN?!) and I pray that He speaks some way or another through every story told. 

Where to begin? Well. I grew up in church. I had an incredibly normal life growing up. My parents love each other, they made sure to teach their children about God's love and grace, we went to church every Sunday, and we lived in a lovely home with a white picket fence out front. I BEGGED my parents to let me get baptized at a very young age. I wanted it, and I couldn't explain why. I was dunked in water by my dad and continued to live the way a "Christian" would live all the way through the summer after my sophomore year. I was crazy involved in the youth group, mission trips were my favorite, and I never got into trouble. I was a "good, Christian girl". 

After an INCREDIBLE, uplifting, and spiritual summer, depression hit me; it hit me hard. 
Out of no where came this sad, lonely, and angry person that no one recognized. Before, I had been this girl that was so happy - no.matter.what. The beginning of my junior year in high school was some of the worst days of my life. I didn't want to be alive. Smiling? Not an option. There were multiple times where I'd crawl onto the roof of all kinds of buildings and just want to jump - but for whatever reason, I didn't. I always wanted to so badly. Once my parents realized the severity of my depression, they began to take me to doctors appointments. I was being filled with all kinds of medicines that I didn't want to take; two or three at a time. I hated the way they made me feel - I felt like a lab rat being labeled with names I didn't want to be labeled with. I don't think we ever actually found a medicine during those two years of pill pumping. During this time, I completely got rid of the idea of God. I remember saying "this is complete bull %*!#" - everything I had once believed in, I began to replace with science and facts. At the end of that semester, my family had a trip to New Zealand planned. We were to spend a month there during Christmas through the end of January. Having this trip in mind, someone through my church challenged me to rethink the whole "atheism" thing and to challenge God to show me something; a sign. So, as stubborn as I am, at the end of the 13 hour flight to New Zealand, I challenged this so-called "God" to show me a sign (a rainbow to be specific). Of course, I knew it wasn't going to happen, and then I'd be able to laugh in the face of the one who challenged me. We got off the plane, I saw a rainbow, shrugged it off because it was a "coincidence", got into my uncle's car, and my mom and I headed to his house. On the way to his house, I saw two things: ANOTHER rainbow, and a billboard on the side of the road. The billboard had a solid black background and in white letters, it read "You wanted a sign, didn't you? -God" 
I.KID.YOU.NOT.
I immediately burst into tears. Talk about a wake up call. No one else saw the sign. Just me. God had my belief back, but He didn't have my heart - very far from it.

New Zealand was incredible and I didn't want to leave. I had begun the process of slowly healing and I didn't want it to stop. Two months later, I met a guy. You know the "love at first sight" thing? Yeah, that's what happened. I know it sounds ridiculous. But we fell hard, and we fell hard fast. All of a sudden, this guy went from being a stranger to my boyfriend in about a week. Crazy, right? He became my world (first problem). We were attached at the hip. We were best friends but he treated me like a complete princess and everyone could see it. It was obvious how in love we were. He moved off to college to pursue a military career but we refused to end it regardless of an 8 hour space between us. At the end of a weekend I had spent visiting him, he broke up with me unexpectedly. My world was crushed. I had created my entire life, present and future, on him. Back to depression-square-one. I began drinking heavily and smoking marijuana every second I possibly could. It was so unhealthy it was unreal. I began to fill myself with things that I didn't think anything else could. It was a dangerous cycle. 

My senior year in high school was a year that I will never forget - NOT in a good way. I was filling myself with alcohol and marijuana and unhealthy relationships. I was trying to cope with pain that I didn't even know how to cope with. Next thing I know, something that I had found so precious to me was taken from me. Through all the terrible things I had done, I held onto my purity. Until one night, that was stripped away from me. The one thing I had held onto: GONE. I cannot possibly describe the feelings that I felt with this: I was hurt. I was ashamed. I felt dirty. I was angry. I was disgusted. No one should ever have to feel those things - EVER. I didn't tell anyone for months. I allowed it to build up within me until I couldn't take it. Once I spilled, counseling became more intense than ever, they threw me on even more medication, and I was going to doctors that I never even knew existed. Talk about a set back. But God was still after me.

I decided to attend Hardin-Simmons University the following fall. By the grace of God, my parents let me leave for college. I can't imagine how they felt sending me off to college in the state I was in. But they did. As you can imagine, I wasn't going to college to get an education. I was going because I hated my parents, I hated Lubbock, and I hated everything that my life was - so I figured moving 3 hours away would change that. Within the first night of being in Abilene, I was already into trouble. I don't think I ever went to class. If I did, I was hungover or my friends were dragging me to it. I had made my reputation clear at HSU within the first week very clear. I was the "party girl" and that was exactly how I wanted it. I don't remember a day/night that I wasn't drinking. I developed a problem and I didn't care who knew it. I can't tell you how many nights God could have taken me from this world from a drinking incident. I became a burden to everyone around me. After a year of school at HSU, I dropped out. I wanted to work and be on my own; figure out who I was. So that's what I did. Somehow, my incredible parents still supported me, no matter how much of a turd I was to them. They showed me God-given grace. Straight up.

I began looking for jobs and stumbled upon a full-time job at a store in the Abilene mall - Buckle. I became a hard working saleswoman who was determined to make it work. Within a couple of months, my boss caught on to my lifestyle. The night before a really exciting and honorable trip with my area managers, I got so intoxicated that my boss finally had to approach it. I had fallen so in love with my job that I quit drinking cold turkey. September 27, 2010 was the day I quit. It was a huge deal for me. Something I had relied on for years was all of a sudden gone. But I was determined to prove to my boss and my parents that I was real about being on my own. 

Fast forward a few months: a group of God loving girls reached out to me. They invited me to church. My thoughts were, "what? I haven't willingly been to church in at least 3 years...I hate the church." But after a little persistence on their end, I finally went. I cannot explain the nerves I felt that Sunday morning. My stomach was in complete knots. I was out of my element and I felt uncomfortable, I didn't feel like I fit in with my nose hoop ring and tattoos and radical style. But I was there. Within minutes of worshiping, God tore into my heart and broke me down. He broke me down to the point that I couldn't even breathe. I was a wreck and I could FEEL His hands working inside my heart. Loads and loads and loads of hurt and pain over the years had been lifted. He had claimed me again. This time, it was for good.

My lifestyle didn't change all in one day. It was a process; still is! But God was faithful in me. The more I continued to go to church on Sundays, be surrounded by community that loved me the way Jesus loved, and the more I felt like being adventurous with getting into the word, the more my puzzle of a life began to come together. I can SO JOYFULLY say that everyone who has ever done me wrong in my life, has been 100%, no doubt, completely and biblically forgiven - whether they asked for it or not. It took years, but dadgummit, He's brought me to the place I am today. And that is something to praise Him for.

I'd love to hear feedback of any kind :)

In him,

Katie.